South Jersey Malls: A Survival Guide

We established in the previous column that malls are Man’s inhumanity to man.  But they are a necessary inhumanity this time of year, so how do you survive the mall?  Let’s take a look!

The Classic Mall:  (Cherry Hill Mall, Cherry Hill, NJ):  One of the oldest malls in South Jersey is logically going to attract some of the oldest customers in New Jersey.  So be patient waiting for that parking space.  Grandma only drives once or twice a year.  And don’t even attempt to park anywhere near the restaurants.  You will be more likely to get struck by a meteor than to get a close space.

The Big Mall:  (Woodbridge Center Mall, Woodbridge, NJ):  Go big or go home.  If you’re going to shop in this behemoth, carpool with someone who owns a Hummer.  Stake out a spot for the day because you don’t want to have to come back here until mid-February.  Although this mall is big enough that you can probably get all your gifts, it won’t be big enough to contain your rage if some New York d-bag takes your spot.

The Half Mall: (Echelon Mall, Voorhees, NJ):  If you’re single and don’t have a lot of gifts to buy, nothing’s better than hitting the mall that’s already been cut in half and remodeled into homes and storefronts on one end.  After getting gifts for your parents and siblings, you can hit up one of those new bars to test drive some mistletoe.  See?  Shopping’s not so bad if there’s a place to get drunk after.

The Boondocks Mall:  (Shore Mall, Egg Harbor Township, NJ):  Wanna park within five spaces of the building?  Not a problem, if you pull into the back of the Shore Mall.  Yes, it’s still open.  Hey, they got most of the same stuff all the other malls have, just less of it at lower prices. It’ll probably justify your gas money down south and if there’s any money left after you’re done Christmas shopping, it’s not far to A.C. to try and win some more.

The Sprawl Mall:  (Deptford Mall, Deptford, NJ):  The Deptford Mall is surrounding by so many shopping centers, they really ought to consider building some kind of monorail.  I don’t think any residents are left in Deptford that don’t have a cash register in front of them.  That’s how many stores are here.  If you like to rant about high prices and threaten a salesperson that you’ll shop somewhere else, this is the perfect place.  That is, if you don’t mind getting in your car every fifteen minutes to drive one block to the next shopping center.

Conclusion:  If you really want to survive shopping this year, be smart.  Browse on Amazon first and then anything you can get mailed by December 25th, hop into your car and hit the mall.  Make a comprehensive list that includes back up gifts because you don’t want to go back to a mall parking lot after pretending to walk back to cars just to mess with people.

Written by Tony DiGerolamo

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